Soulmates; the ugly truth

“Soulmates aren’t the ones who make you happiest, no. They’re instead the ones who make you feel the most. Burning edges and scars and stars. Old pangs, captivation and beauty. Strain and shadows and worry and yearning. Sweetness and madness and dreamlike surrender. They hurl you into the abyss. They taste like hope… and boy did I enjoy every second of it. Betrayal comes in many formes and I felt like I hit the jackpot. I had to learn in order to survive.”

The bleak wind in the Netherlands makes my cheeks turn red. No warm breeze in my hair while taking a collectivo, no locals asking me where I am going and the streets where old ladies sell fruits and nuts and other goods, are traded for streets with bald trees. I like my country and it’s not that I don’t want to be here, I just rather follow the sun. Exactly one year ago I was traveling in Mexico when I found out my lover slept with a good friend. A baby was on the way and my life changed forever.

My life was filled with drama, a flickering mind and my soul was stuck on someone whom I believed was my soulmate.

All I could do was dive deep into the painful pangs and the captivated beauty. I loved the image. I loved everything but I don’t know who you are. It took me a year to accept that my trust is not what it used to be. What a year it has been..

It was very tempting to write about all the things he had done. To shame him, to tell the world how one lie let to another and how much he needed help. I needed to prove it wasn’t me, to convince myself.

But hey, I could have left the first time and I didn’t. I could have listened to all the warnings but I didn’t. If someone was to blame for the pain and suffering it was me as well. I refused to grow up and face my demons. I am now. I never understood why people write: “I am grateful this happened”, when it is something really bad. I do now.

You deserve a sweet girl whom you can take to Mc Donalds and who buys you beer in the weekends. Someone less philosophical en who doesn’t yearn to see and understand the whole world. I hope she accepts you as you are. I deserve someone who loves my questions and feeds off my wisdom.

Who makes my tears his roadmap and who isn’t afraid to dive deeper into everything yet to be discovered in this amazing world… I do. I am okay now and for the first time in a year I feel free. Excitement is running through my veins again and all the tears were worth it to get where I am today.

If you’re still stuck in a toxic relationship, or someone isn’t treating you well: I don’t have advice. If you are staying, you are not ready to leave. Ask yourself: what is still in it for me? Because there has to be something… and if you are willing to face that fear, the rest will work out itself.

When I close my eyes I can still see your face. But new space is clouding my memories and for the next few weeks I can finally start enjoying my memories made while traveling amazing Mexico. Trust me, this country and its people will steel your heart. One year ago, exactly. It’s still weird, but something new is coming…

Happy New Everything.
Have a good one..